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THE SCRIBBLER.

I find myself so much in arrear with my correspondents, that, without a long introduction, or any definite arrangement of them, I proceed to notice their communications, which, as they are of a very miscellaneous nature, will at least afford variety, if nothing more, to my readers.

The writer of the following article, has aimed an attack, not only upon individuals, but also against an institution, or rather the mode in which it is conducted, which, with all its defects, and yet imperfect state, has done much good in this province, and may do infinitely more. It appears to me that what is wrong in it is gradually wearing away, and its system annually improving^[A] (excepting indeed in that odious feature of having salaried officers,) nevertheless occasional wholesome admonition, may be a curb to abuse, and a spur to exertion.

Agricultural Hall, LaChine Road.

The province of Lower Canada possesses, in an agricultural point of view, an extensive field for improvement. Many gentlemen of excellent understanding, and many who have no understanding at all, formed themselves into a society, with a view of cultivating this field; and, for that purpose, have procured munificent assistance from the fostering parental hand, that has ever been found ready to use its resources to the utmost extent, when the good of the country has been represented to require it. The government have been most liberal in aid of this object; and many of our citizens have been the same, whereby a fund of magnitude has been collected, sufficient indeed to enable limited premiums to be paid, and the secretary and treasurer to the Society to build Agricultural Hall, on a valuable site, most conveniently and pleasantly situated, both for comfort and experiment.

Agricultural Hall stands on the banks of the LaChine canal, the meandering waters of which are to be courteously brought to that spot, in order that the present and future agricultural societies may, at their frequent meetings, enjoy the pleasing sensations of overlooking ploughing-matches, participating in aquatic excursions, or regaling themselves with choice viands in the fields and gardens of experiment attached to it. This elegant establishment, the first fruits of the generous undertaking previously spoken of, is most assuredly designed and executed with the Pagan taste becoming its object; and in my judgement, wants but few additions to complete its unique character. To those who have seen it, a few ideas of improvement may be fairly offered, with deference, however, to their judgements. To commence at the base, it would appear to me to be more in character to remove the pillars which at present support the roof, and substitute in their places, as many colossal statues of porters, bearing on their shoulders large bales of merchandize, and supporting by their joint efforts, the canopy of the hall, resting upon the bales for architraves, thereby denoting the immediate connexion that subsists between agriculture and commerce, and the great dependance the former has upon the latter. The unseemliness or impropriety of so extensive a burthen being suffered to rest on the back of a porter, can be no objection to this idea, as there are porters to be found who, like Atlas, would willingly clap the world on their backs, and run away with it if in their power. I would recommend also that the tout ensemble should be crowned with a gigantic image of a Griffin, reposing upon the center of the burthen borne on the backs of the porters. The grand entrance or gateway to the mansion, should be made to represent a turnpike-gate, ornamented with implements of husbandry, signifying the interest taken by a secretary of the roads to pave the way to the seat of the secretary of agriculture. I would also advise that the waters of the canal should be conducted in various directions, through the ostrich-like, office-digesting stomachs, to the sonorous noses, ears, and mouths of as many young griffins as should be found necessary to insulate the place, and make it like the king of Siam’s palace, sacred to the chosen few, who rule amidst the waters. With those additions, it is more than probable the establishment will accomplish the object it is so remarkably fitted for, as participation in such valuable and pleasing enjoyments must ensure a continuance of the high honours and emoluments, the projector of this desideratum is known to possess, and may perhaps become a source of increased glory and power, through which all the griffins that can be mustered for a century to come, will be amply provided with sinecure places and pensions on the earth and the waters of this country; and should any one doubt their exclusive inherent right to all such places, in possession, reversion, and expectancy, it will be certified to them under as many great notarial seals of office, as will fully convince the most hardened of those useless weatherbeaten public servants, who think themselves entitled to a small share of the loaves and fishes, from having expended the prime of their lives, and some of them their best blood, in defence of that happy constitution under which so many others procure the means of erecting valuable mansions, riding in carriages, and grinding the poor.

ANTI-DORIC.

Clarencetown, August 1822.

Mr. Macculloh,

The tenants of this estate were not a little pleased to see you had given publicity to my letter, and although no change has taken place in the unpopular, and I can not help saying, the perfidious system that is now attempting to be carried into effect, it is always a consolation, they say, to see one’s grievances in print, and to know that the world is able to sympathise with those who complain of ill-treatment, although they are not able to obtain redress. It is certainly the tyrannical pettifogger that I mentioned to you in my last, whose name is Let-demon, that we have to thank for this, a consequence no doubt of his interested advice to the steward. Several of the oldest tenants, when Let-demon came down on the business, called on him, and shewed the documents they possessed, such as the notices and invitations sent at the time to the Jonathan tenants (as they are familiary called) the certificates of occupation, the written promises of several successive stewards, opinions of counsel, etc. proving clearly that they were entitled to good English leases, at least all who came from the Jonathan estate, and many others who had particular recommendations for their services to old Mr. King. It was likewise satisfactorily proved that, upon complaint being made of the underlings wanting to extort various fees, fines, and premiums of the tenants, to Mr. Brookshire, the last steward but one, he publicly declared and promised to a meeting held on the green, that English leases free of all expense should be forthwith granted to all the tenants in the predicament mentioned above. It was an aggravation of the extortionary spirit that prevailed amongst the underlings, that from those tenants who had not got any friends in the kitchen or stable of the stewards (who you know are all, in their way, great men, and more come-at-able through their wives, domestics, and cronies, than in the way of business,) more than three times the amount of fees was demanded than from such as had any backstairs interest: a case particularly in point is that of the good judge I formerly mentioned, the whole expense of whose lease of seven closes, came to only three pounds. However, to return to my story, when the old tenants had laid all this before Let-demon, I see, says he, very clearly that you are entitled to what you claim, and I will go directly to the steward, and set all to rights.—Back he comes, however, with peremptory instructions, as he said, to prosecute all who should by any means seek to procure titles upon any other footing than upon the feudal tenure; and that this was in fact the result of Let-demon’s advice to the steward, may be plainly seen, since he got the job of doing all the business, which under this feudal tenure, with its various complicated, and changeful conditions and burthens, must afford an abundant and a constant harvest, on which he has so certainly calculated, that he is actually become a resident (not a very welcome one, I can assure him,) amongst us. He is, however, stretching the cord so tight, that it is not unlikely to snap, for even those tenants who, from indolence or intimidation, formerly took deeds upon the footing offered, and to whose titles he can make no manner of objection, are compelled by this champion of oppression, to take out new deeds, and pay besides an additional charge for his examination of their several documents; a practice that no law, nor any reason can justify. Yet with all this Mr. Let-demon can not, or will not, pay his way as he goes.

TIM BOBBIN.

Argenteuil 9th August.

L. L. Macculloh, Esq.

I am one of those who take a deal of pleasure in reading your amusing paper, and as I have observed in it your wishes to receive information from the country of the doings there, and as our village is rising into celebrity as being the resort of several fashionables during the summer-heats, from the city of Mount Royal (from which it is distant about forty miles, a pleasant road, and a regular line of stages running through it to Napier, Hull, and Richmond) I am willing to give you a detail of what may be worthy of notice in this quarter. We have our nobles, and our ignobles, as well as other places, and of some of these I will give you a short sketch. In the first place I will mention the parson of the protestant church, is one of those

But he receives his two hundred a year from our good government, and says, (though I blush to name it,) “damn the parishioners.” We have also another divine, of whom, if we can say nothing evil, we can say nothing good. One of our would-be great folks, a storekeeper (or, as he calls himself, a merchant,) I will designate by the name of Richard the third, as one best suiting both his character and shape. He has of late become very religious, to cloak perhaps his impositions on the poor inhabitants of the place who deal with him; he is however too eager in the pursuit of gain, to care much for his cloak, if it happens to be cumbersome to him, when he has a good hit in view. You must not, however, think, sir, that we have not any men of probity amongst us, for I am happy in saying we have a few that are exemplary, but they do not stand in need of my praises, and share the lot of most blameless and worthy characters, in not affording food for the pen of the satirist, or the reprehension of the moralist, and so glide down the stream of time, unnoticed, and unknown, but in their own limited and peculiar circles. Should you approve of this essay you will hear again from

Your’s respectfully,

SAM GINGER.

To L. L. Macculloh, Esq.

Redresser of Grievances.

The humble petition of

Death

Sheweth,

That, from the increased numbers, extensive experience, and unrivalled skill, of the sons of Esculapius, (bastards as well as legitimates,) now resident in Montreal, and by means of their several manifestoes, notices, lectures, puffs, and other modes of attracting public notice, he, your humble petitioner, is in great danger of losing a great part of his prey, of being literally reduced to a skeleton, and actually totters on his throne.

That your petitioner is particularly alarmed by the display which the aforesaid sons of Esculapius, threaten to make during the ensuing winter, of their knowledge, learning, and skill, by giving lectures on various subjects connected with the overthrow of your petitioner’s prosperity; and whatever consolation he might have derived from the supposition that, with respect to some of them, their knowledge is ignorance, their learning a shadow, and their skill, a non-entity; yet that in striving to establish their own reputation, they will be apt to fall foul of and expose each other, so that the public may expect to become acquainted with the whole arcana of their profession, as well as with the minutiæ of their business; for “when rogues fall out, honest people come by their own,” and so, when the world is in possession of their tricks, lord have mercy on poor Death! He will scarcely get any victim at all.

These M. D.’s have moreover each a great number of students, who are all in a fair way to get dubbed with a doctor’s gradus, so that the army of your petitioner’s opponents seems increasing in a wonderful degree.

The first to be taken notice of is the well known Dr. Spectacles, who has cut such a figure in the papers. He intends to continue his old way of making something out of nothing by his anti-chemical preparations; and as, it is said, the whole of the Rev. Mr. Winterville’s empty brandy-bottles are to be added to the doctor’s apparatus, he will perform every Galvanic experiment with no other battery than that of his own corpus, and by the assistance of his electrical machine he will even raise the dead. He will deliver a lecture on metals, and their substitutes, and demonstrate that jalap can be converted into gold, and advice into bankbills.

Next there is the celebrated Dr. McStephen, of Perkinean memory, who, among other wonderful performances, will, by the mere touch of a metallic tractor, prevent the dead from coming to life, and the living from dying as long as they draw their breath. He proposes to make various experiments on calves’ heads, being very able to demonstrate, from experience, that they fit very well upon other shoulders as well as upon shoulders of veal.

Dr. Carriole, of extensive practice, has resolved to dissect every thing that comes in his way from a flea to a whale. He, and his scholars, after exploring most minutely the exterior of the cranium, in illustration of his favourite science of craniology, have penetrated it in search of the arbor vitæ, and from the wonderful effects of the decoctions and infusions of this still more wonderful tree, your petitioner’s trade will be materially injured. To say the truth, he is one of Death’s worst enemies, sed verbum non amplius addam.

As for Dr. Catapult, poor soul, he is almost as badly off as your petitioner, having neither custom, nor sense to get it. There is likewise Alexander the great, who, it is said, is going to do wonders, but of them nihil notum est, nor probably ever will be.

Dr. Fairy is no very serious enemy to your petitioner, as he only skirmishes with gums, teeth, tooth-ache, etc. He has, however, of late been heard to say that he means to attack Death’s faithful ally, the Scurvy, so that apprehensions may even be entertained of him.

Your petitioner begs leave further to represent that there is also one Bobby Slack, who, tho’ only the ninth part of a man, will cure all mad dogs, and all persons afflicted with hydrophobia before you can say Jack Robinson. He is however a most irregular practitioner, as those who can not pay for his medicine may have it gratis.

Also that, as if all this were not enough, even the Massachusetts, and Vermont, lecturers, in the art of destroying the seeds of disease and death, invade the territories of your petitioner in Montreal, by advertising their holdings forth.

Your petitioner has only in this his humble memorial, complained of those of his enemies, who boldly announce themselves, by advertisements; nor has he enumerated the various quack medicines which are announced in so lengthy a manner, as, in fact, (under the rose,) those are such as he himself has had a hand in preparing; but he has a vast number of other adversaries, in town who, armed with pill, bolus, draught, and other destructive weapons, threaten his entire annihilation.

He therefore most humbly prays that you will be pleased to take his case into consideration, and pursue such measures as to your judgement may seem fit, to put a stop to the annoyance which he is threatened, by these his advertising adversaries.

And your petitioner will ever pray &c.

DEATH.

This petition is referred to a committee of sextons and undertakers for their report.

I must now, however, shut up my portfolio of communications, having other matters of urgency pressing on my attention; and first,

In answer to the effusions of some idle ’prentice, against me, which was admitted into the columns of the Quebec Mercury of the 9th inst. I transmitted the following letter to the editor of that paper. Scarcely indeed with the expectation of his inserting it, but considering it a compliment invariably due to every editor, to send an answer to what might appear in his paper, to him first; as a contrary mode, necessarily carries with it a tacit imputation of partiality, one knew he would admit one side of a question and not the other. Be that as it may, Mr. Cary has declined inserting it; and therefore, however reluctant I am to occupy the pages of the Scribbler in such a way, I can not in justice to myself avoid it,

Burlington, 17 August, 1822.

Mr. Cary,

Although my leisure does not permit me yet to pay off the arrears I owe to those who did me the honour to attack me, when they thought I was prostrate, and unable to reply to them, (all which, however, in good time,) I do not mean to let any present attack go without a prompt answer. I therefore beg the favour of your insertion of this short replication to that part of the letter signed Vis vim Vi in the Supplement to the Mercury of the 9th August, which relates to myself. In the first place, however, had this youngster looked a few words higher up in Ainsworth’s Dictionary, which he has evidently been searching for a latin signature, he would have found a far better one in Viridus, green, sappy, moist, the very thing for such a green, sappy, moist skull. He is pleased to consider me as too old in iniquity, too desperately wicked, too depraved, to be penetrable to shame, etc. but whence did this driveller form his opinion? from the Scribbler? Then all who have read it will laugh at him; but no, he is but echoing the convicted falsehoods of those wholesale dealers in untruth by whom I have been basely and wickedly persecuted, whom I have publicly accused by name, as gross, notorious and mean utterers of wilful falsity, whom no jury will or can believe upon their oaths, and who have not dared—who do not dare—to answer me. That I am certainly now, from being one of the most diffident and inoffensive of men, driven to pay no respect to persons or places, and to utter the language of truth, with boldness, and without caring for consequences, is true, and I glory in it. Oppression, injury, and injustice, have steeled my brow, and nerved my pen, and I dare do that which is right, in despite of power, and influence, and wealth, and threats, and proffered bribes. I would next ask, who are “the most respected amongst us,” whom Vis Vim Vi alludes to? Are they respected for their money, or for their good qualities? for the places and power they possess, or for the virtue and integrity with which they act? The answer, though none in Quebec’s crouded streets will utter it aloud, responds in each one’s breast. It is true that in a miscellaneous warfare like mine, depending so much upon intelligence and reporters, cutting and slashing right hand and left, back stroke and fore, many incautious, and some injudicious, hits, may be made; I am sensible of some, and I shall endeavour to heal the sores; but it can not be denied, that its beneficial effects are, in many instances, visible and prominent, and I flatter myself will be still more so as its circulation increases, to which every week is adding. So much for its insignificance. With regard to this greenhorn’s attack upon Tom Brown, I shall leave the latter to give him a gentle rub in his own way, if he thinks him an antagonist worthy of his pen; but I can not help admiring his “accomplished critic of the exchange-room.” A critic in an exchange-room! an ox in a china-shop, a sprat riding the great horse, a porpoise dancing quadrilles, a jack-ass on the seat of judgement, any the most incongruous association can scarcely came up to “a critic in an exchange-room!” Oh Mr. Cockney, or rather Mr. Lower-town Swob, hide your diminished head! and go and gauge yon rum-cask, or weigh that hhd. of sugar! meddle no more with pen ink and paper out of the counting-house, nor write any letters that are not illustrated with notes, as per margin, or at foot.

By the bye, I see Vis Vim Vi has caught hold of a word that has been bandied about by the railers against the Scribbler, which, no doubt, like most of them, he knows not the meaning of. Obscene. Now I again, as I have done before, boldly and utterly defy any one to point out a passage (one only excepted, if their sagacity could but find that out) in the whole work that is obscene, or that I can not triumphantly defend to the utter confusion of such would-be puritans.

I am, Mr. Cary, your obed’t serv’t.

L. L. MACCULLOH.

I have next with reference to the remarks I made in No. 60 on the conduct of the health-officer of Quebec, to observe that a feeble attempt at exculpation appears to have been made by Dr. Hackett, in a representation made to the editor of the Montreal Herald, on his behalf, as stated in that paper on the 21st ult. in consequence of a slight, very slight, insinuated censure on his strange mode of justification. Agreeing perfectly with the sentiments expressed, that it is “a sacred duty of editors, if, through misinformation, or imperfect knowledge of the subject on which they write, they should inflict unmerited pain, to lose no time in making a candid and honourable atonement,” I should be as forward as any one to acknowledge error, and make reparation for undeserved crimination. But the exculpatory allegation on the part of the accused, has little or nothing to do with the main question. All that it is said is, that he has “in no case omitted to visit, examine, and report all vessels arriving with disease on board; but that from the circumstance of the legislature having permitted the quarantine laws to expire, he possesses no authority to place vessels under restriction, however aggravated the state of disease on board them may be.” What is there in this beyond a duty similar to that of a customhouse-officer? If the functions of the health-officer are confined, merely to the visiting, reporting, and placing under restrictions, vessels with disease on board, then I will retract my reprobation of his conduct; but is it not likewise his duty, and a main branch of it, in fact the most essential part, to give his medical attendance and assistance, not only on board those vessels, but to those who are landed from them? to see that they are provided with necessary accommodations, medicine, and relief, and placed in situations, where, if they are afflicted with infectious disorders, they may be prevented from spreading? Going on board a vessel, ascertaining there are so many sick on board, and reporting the circumstance at the customhouse, is that all the health-officer had to do? was it not his duty to have seen the sick Irish emigrants landed from the vessel in question, lodged in some proper place, to have administered or procured assistance, and medicine, for them? was it his duty to allow a dying woman to be dragged about the town, denied admittance here, turned from the door there, and carried back to the wharf where she was landed, to die on the stones? But the great aggravation of his offence, is the audacious manner in which he justified it, or rather disdained to justify it at all. Had he those matters to allege in excuse which he has since stated to the editor of the Montreal Herald, he owed it to the gentleman who brought the case forward, he owed it to the editor of the Mercury, he owed it to the public, and he owed it to his own reputation, to have stated them in his reply, and not, in the most unfeeling and insulting tone, to pass the matter by as not concerning him, to make his short and savage note, the vehicle of expressing a political sentiment, and to outrage the feelings of society, in vindicating that neglect by which a fellow-creature was suffered to die in the most wretched state almost that imagination can conceive, by mockery and impudence.

In fine, unless this health-officer can make a better defence, and one conducted with more humility, and deference for public opinion, than he has hitherto shewn, I see no reason for his not continuing suspended on the lofty gibbet where I have hung him, for all to hoot at, and all to execrate.

L. L. M.

Whilst the Editor has to offer his sincere thanks to those subscribers who have punctually discharged their arrears, and liberally paid in advance; he is under the necessity, since regular returns are the only means by which his work can prosper, of admonishing those who are backward in their payments, how essential it is that all arrears should be brought up, and punctual attention paid in future to the quarterly discharge of their subscriptions.

He has a few on his list, who seem to be insensible to dunning; and he has come to the resolution of following the example set by some papers in the States, and very lately practiced by his esteemed co-labourer, the editor of the Albany Microscope, of publishing a Black List, in which the names of defaulters will appear in full, with all attendant circumstances.

This list will be published about the middle of October, and will include all, from the beginning, who have declined, evaded or neglected payment for six months. Another list will appear at the same time of those who have received the Scribblers for a length of time, and, without objecting to their being sent, meanly decline either paying for, or returning them. And also one of such persons as borrow the Scribbler to save the expense, in which only those will be included who, from their circumstances, ought to act differently, as he casts no blame, in that respect, on those whose situation in life renders frugality a necessary virtue.

To Correspondents.

To C. F.  His letter and enclosure came safe to hand. Callum Beg and Junius from Quebec, UN DOCTEUR and Amyntor will appear the first opportunity, and so will Veritas from Chambly, in proper season, but this gentleman, and all my other correspondents are again reminded of that indispensible requisite, a confidential key to their communications. Sam Ginger’s further favours will be acceptable; he will perceive that one of his characters has been omitted, for which there is a reason: from the tenor of his letter I am inclined to think he could furnish me with a specimen of local description etc. as suggested in No. 53. The substance of the communications from Vis et vim, the Devil, and my new correspondent from Ste Marie Nouvelle Beauce, (the continuance of whose occasional letters I shall be pleased with,) will equally be inserted. Old Cuffee, Alden, and several others in next Domestic Intelligencer; so also, if not in some other shape, part of Observator’s Quebec advertisements. Another communication under the same signature, probably from the same gentleman, I am very sorry does not come within the present plan of the Scribbler, as I wish to avoid all discussion that is merely political. I the more regret it, coinciding, as I do, in the sentiments of Observator, and admiring both the manner in which he writes, and the freedom with which he expresses his opinions. Altho’, in pursuance of the system I have adopted, I exclude such subjects at present; yet, having been given to understand that attempts are made to destroy the liberty of the public press in Quebec,^[B] I do not know, but I may consider it worth while, if I am encouraged so to do, to set on foot a purely political weekly half sheet, open to all parties, and biassed by none, in which, being no politician myself, I shall obtrude very few of my own sentiments, wishing it principally to be considered as a vehicle for giving publicity to those of others. I respectfully solicit the opinions of my friends as to the feasibility of such a plan, and the degree of encouragement it is likely to receive in Quebec and Montreal.

Ape of mine own days is scarcely intelligible, but I think if he did not aim at being so very obscure he might be a useful contributor. To print Arion’s verses as a sequel to Erieus’ prisoner’s soliloquy, would be tacking a dirty woolen rag, to an embroidered silk shawl. Tyro, who in criticising a critic says

should have paid more attention to rhyme, and to sense too, both in that, and

before he attempted a lampoon on another. Keep Black is utterly inadmissible; the insinuation conveyed in his notice, is of too detestable a nature to soil any page with. Pater Gwyn is also rejected.

Correspondents at a distance are reminded of the propriety of paying the postage of their letters.

L. L. M.

TRANSCRIBER NOTES

Misspelled words and printer errors have been corrected. Where multiple spellings occur, majority use has been employed.

Punctuation has been maintained except where obvious printer errors occur.

[The end of The Scribbler 1822-09-05 Volume 2, Issue 62 edited by Samuel Hull Wilcocke]